• bob

    Lost,
    I’m sorry that things are so desperate, but you are not alone. Please get some help from a professional. I could never go to anyone at work for help and I had a couple shitty therapists that made things worse but I’m working with a guy now who is really helping, so are the meds. Some days still suck, like today and I cry for no reason.
    Like you I was a badass on the unit, loved every minute of it, still do, but it’s killing me. I’ve lost several good friends and a partner to suicide. The effect it had on his wife & kids convinced me that I’ll ever go that route; better I suffer than them. Still I think about it all the time.
    I just feel broken.
    I glad you wrote this, it took balls even if you didn’t leave your name. Knowing I’m not alone helped me tonight, I hope it helps you too.

  • Laura

    I wish I could provide any measure of relief for you. I hope, with everything in me, that you can recognize that:
    A) You need help now, as much as every person/patient you have ever dealt with, on a call. You need saving, as much as a choking child, a fire victim, or a car crash victim. You hurt no less than they do, and are in no less danger than them. You have been choking, burning, and broken for TOO LONG. And,
    B) You deserve help, you deserve care, you deserve SAVING. You deserve to be salvaged, the way that you have saved, and salvaged countless strangers, as though they were your own family. And,
    C) You are an extraordinary human being. You are calm during crisis, when someone else needs help, needs YOU. Your anxiety during your own every day life is coming from a million different places….most of which I couldn’t possibly know or understand. But I know that some of it is obviously from self doubt, and from not seeing how incredibly much you have given, despite having had so insanely much TAKEN FROM YOU, for as long as you can remember. Please, PLEASE…take what you wrote up there, and bring it to anyone, and EVERYONE, who can possibly help you. YOU DESERVE TO FEEL SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU DO. YOU DESERVE THE SALVATION THAT YOU HAVE PROVIDED FOR COUNTLESS OTHERS. YOU DESERVE HELP. YOU DESERVE HEALTH, HAPPINESS, AND FREEDOM FROM THIS HELL!!!! And it would break my heart, if I thought for one moment, that you won’t have all of those things. Please, PLEASE reach out, and find this for yourself. You have already given more to this world than most people could even DREAM of giving, over an entire, 90 year lifetime.
    Your Son is very lucky to have a hero for a Dad. PLEASE DO WHATEVER IT TAKES, TO GIVE HIM A HEALTHY, HAPPY HERO FOR A DAD.
    So much love to you.
    And a thousand hugs.