I am a 30 yo female that has gone through so much in life…it feels like I have lived a hundred lives, when all I really want is just to live MY life without anxiety, paranoia, self doubt, depression, SI, anger and hate. I grew up in Washington State. I grew up on a farm. I was abused in every way imaginable behind a guise of a wholesome christian family lifestyle. People would tell my mother and stepfather how well behaved their children were…of course we were! Would you want to be punished with such severity that you would scream out ‘mama I love you please stop!’ It wasn’t until my neighbor called the police because my step father was beating me in front of them that I got help. He admitted what he had done to me all of my life and went to jail.
It wasn’t until years later that I saw him again when he had written into the Oprah show and we went on as guests and I got to find out that he had done the same thing to my mentally disabled older sister. I regret ever going on that show. Many suicide attempts and psychiatric stays later I still to this day struggle everyday with anxiety and depression. I take medication. I still sometimes abuse drugs and alcohol to escape those feelings and to actually keep from being consumed by suicidal ideation. I know its fucked up thinking but feeling nothing is better than feeling like dying.
I believe the only things in my life that keep me going is my job, my children, and my head strong will to not let this beat me. I am considering transcranial magnetic stimulation to ease the severity of symptoms. I go to church regularly and am on their medical team. I work in a prominent hospital in center city philly for an ambulance company. I have scars from attempts that i try to hide at work for fear of being feared or disliked. I find myself wanting to be alone more and more. I find myself being fake and wearing a mask at work and home life. I dont have a lot of friends although i am capable of making friends i choose not to. I always fear being judged and devalued in the workplace. My outer appearance does not suggest “crazy”. I am cute and funny and petite. I work hard. I enjoy my job and helping others. I feel like because I help others I should not be the one needing help. I guess I say to myself now “cry a river, build a bridge and get the fuck over it’.
-EMT-B, 6 years in EMS