No I’m not “Ok”
You’ve not seen what I’ve seen
A body now there, where a life has just been.
I can’t shed a tear like my heart wants me to
I must proceed on there is a job to do.
No time to ponder no time to doubt
Another call’s dropped and “En Route” I shout.
I must stay in the moment and remain strong
Despite the fact that I’ve seen so much, that’s so wrong.
The next life now needs me, feelings aside
Though my heart is still mourning the last patient that died
I carrying each lost life inside of my mind
And my mind decides suddenly when it wants to rewind.
To replay those moments like I’m having déjà vu
Day or night, or perhaps, in front of my crew.
My team is starting to notice my distant gaze
I’ve been seeming distracted, like I’m in a haze.
They tell me “Stay strong” “Don’t let it bother you”
But I watched the last breath of that babe barely 2.
She couldn’t be saved though we did our best
All the while keeping emotions repressed.
These eyes have seen far too much
Though I tried to save each person with my healing touch
My heart feels the pain of the lives unsaved
My nightmares remind me of my minds constant strain.
Some places I visit now bring me nothing but grief
As I replay the incidents that seem beyond belief.
I so much would like for someone to take me aside
To tell me “it’s ok to cry” and “you’ve nothing to hide.”
“It is a tough job we do, when you see what we see
And” it’s fine to set some of that emotional baggage free.”
A part of me dies each and every call,
So much so, I’ve built up quite a wall.
My safety, my refuge away from the pain
For all the lives lost I still seem to feel shame.
I tried my best, did all I could do
It’s never enough for my mind to get through.
So when you’re feeling like this and just want to hide
And you feel so alone like no one’s on your side.
Talk to a brother, your captain, a friend
There’s help out there for you, it’s not the end.
This job is too much to just go it alone
And we don’t want to lose one of our own.
Help each other out when you see someone in need.
Be there to listen, don’t judge and help them succeed.
It’s ok to need help every now and then,
We should know best, we provide it again and again.
– Written by Lauralee Veitch, RN. 2015