My story is one of Grimm and Grace I have been a medic for 17 years. I have had many triumphs, and have help the thousands i have touched but last year my world came crashing down. I have had depression problems for my entire life and have managed to save my self many times from me and my despair. Last November I ran what was to be a regular call one that we have all ran many times. I was dispatched to a 2 car accident with an ejection. I was always known a a Trauma Queen. I was one who thrived on the blood and gore. But this would not be the normal call for me. It was that call the one that would finally break me. I arrived at the location of our call it was a church on a main hwy where I live and work.There was two patients so my partner and I split up he went to one car and I being the Paramedic went to the ejection victim. I ran to the Church sign where her body laid and I just froze, nothing I had not seen before nothing that I had not dealt with many times but I froze. She was lying on the ground covered with bricks from the sign and I froze. She laid there gurgling in her own blood unable to take a breath. Her face was mangled from hitting the sign it looked like she had fought with Freddy Kruger and lost.
One of the Deputies on scene had to shake me to get me back to this planet, I don’t know where my mind went but it was not in the game at that time. Once I was back I worked her like she was the prize to earn in the game, and that is how I had always worked this job as if it was a game that I had to win. Her jaw was clinched and I could not get her airway open she was dying in my arms and there was nothing that I could do. Once she was freed from all the rubbish of the sign I was able to place her on a board and get her to the unit I had no choice but to go against the rules of trauma and place a nasal airway she had major cranial and facial trauma but with suction I could still not get her airway clear her jaws were locked and she needed RSI and in my state we cant do that in the field. the Deputy had already called for the bird.her face was shredded and could not get a seal with the mask everything was just coming out of her cheeks. No matter what I did she was dying in my care on my watch I was losing the game.
The air crew arrived and was able to get her RSI’ed to allow her to get oxygen. She was gone, her body was still alive but I knew she was gone, or at least I hoped and told myself she was gone. For weeks I could not sleep. I told folks at my department that I was not sleeping and that every time I drove by the location I could see her there. She would be laying there alone. I blamed myself because I froze. It was like a movie where you see the scenes where everything was moving in slow motion around me and I could not move. This was last November I received my subpoena to go to court on this and now I am having to relive all of it over again. Last December the impact had become all I could bare I tried to take my life on December 28 2014. I survived this once but I am worried that I wont survive the second. Once again I am having nightmares, I have been free from the nightmares only for a few months and they have returned. What if I don’t survive this go round?
– Story written by a paramedic from Georgia, 17 years in EMS.