I’m 28 years old and a firefighter now, this day haunts me from when I was a paramedic for a private company in a big city. It was Mother’s Day about three years ago first call of the shift a fall. We get there it’s a 28 year old female who fell off a 2ft high wall in front of her entire family hitting her head and was in full arrest. It was a BBQ for her first Mother’s Day, she had a 4 month old baby girl. We worked here as the entire family cried.
2 hours later vehicle rollover, arrive on scene to find a 23 year old male prone on the highway about 150 feet away from his truck. We roll him over his face is gone I feel with my finger where I think a mouth should be and put in an OPA we pronounce him.
2 more hours later dispatched to and unconscious person. We get there and find a 4 year old girl in full arrest her mom saying she couldn’t wake her up. We work and transport her and continue working on her in the ER for another hour.
She dies too.
On Mother’s Day I lost someone’s mother, son and daughter. I ask for CISD they don’t have anyone for it that night it eventually slips away I go home and straight to the bar. Nightmares start happening hearing someone with the you moms name starts making my head spin. I grab the bottle on my days off but it’s cool I’m not doing this at work. I’m being responsible I’m at home not driving right? Fiancé leaves me for my drinking.
I feel like giving up. Life would be better for everyone without me. Poor pitiful me. I keep living my life with anger and depression and hate. Mother’s Day I call my mom tell her I love her then get a fifth of jack and 2 packs of smokes and sit on the patio until I black out. Vicious cycle that I can’t see but the people close to me can. I self medicated. Until I woke up at 3pm in my garage with my dog missing and an empty bottle of Jameson next to me.
I break down I finally see the problem from the outside looking in and finally ask for help. I check myself into a 30 day treatment facility. I was hopeless I was suicidal I was a train wreck. I’ve been sober for 124 days now and I have never been this healthy happy and hopeful in my entire life. I’m still working on myself but there’s so much hope now. I’m lucky to have such an amazing support system even after burning some bridges. My anger has subsided I’m just happy.
There’s help out there and if you need it you’re not a pussy. It will save your life. I know it saved mine.
– Story written by a 28 year old firefighter/paramedic. 8 years in EMS.